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Wednesday
Nov052014

Compulsory "Here's Why I Left, And Now I'm Back."

It's difficult to do something without a definite purpose. At least, for me it's difficult. 

I have no idea why I still want to type words into this space. I want someone to read them, but not lots of someones. It's been two years since I wrote in the space where lots of someone's read what I was reading. 

I'm a fan of being vulnerable, but not when I don't know why I'm doing it. From the very start, all I wanted this space to be was a place where you could find some love when you expected to find passionate stands and moral certainty. I surprise people every day with my flexibility. There are walls that tell them that I am otherwise. That I'm tough. When, really, to be misunderstood as condescending, rude or rigid is one of the few things that will actually make me cry. I think, "It's okay if you don't like me, but you have to NOT like me for the RIGHT reasons!! I am not stuck up! I don't think I'm better than you! I have a thousand real flaws and you should pick one of THOSE as your deal breaker!"

A few years ago, a few people on the Internet said some things about me. People who didn't know me or what I was about and it impacted me far more than I thought. It's not being disliked that's eviscerating to my will to write. It's being misunderstood and being judged on qualities which I do not possess. But the waslking away has left me empty. It is not just here that I've stopped writing. It's everywhere. Other than an e-mail updating a friend or a facebook comment, I no longer write.

And this is not okay because writing is part of who I am. It's time to let go of that small moment where I was misunderstood. For someone who doesn't hold grudges, it's unsightly -- dare I say pitiable -- to hold on this long. I don't know who's still here, but thanks. And I'm sorry. I shouldn't have walked away for so long. You mattered to me and I didn't even tell you why because I felt like it was a silly reason. People said mean things! They called me a racist! They said I was condescending! Rude! WAH!

But that's it. And, now, it's not it. And I'm back because I can't really not write here. It's too much of who I am and it's felt very wrong to pretend it's not.

Reader Comments (14)

I am glad you are back. I love your writing.

November 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterConnie

I've missed you. The Eiffel Tower hasn't been the same without you.

November 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterVikki

Welcome back!

November 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterGrandeMocha

You're one of my favorite bloggers, glad to see you back. I have two blogs, both sorely neglected. Yikes!

November 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTara

I'm so happy you're back. I started following your writing and your brilliance and wittiness after sitting in on your panel w/Deb & Kelly back at BlogHer 12. I thought of you when I stepped on stage at BlogHer's VOTY this year and read my post about racism and being an other in America in 2013...I thought of you because sitting in that panel and listening to you throw down a challenge to step up and use my voice and not let fear keep me from speaking out on anything-controversial or not-woke me up. Y'all changed my life w/that panel and I'm grateful to all 3 of you for it.

You are a writer. Your words-whatever they're about-and your voice matters. I'm here to read all of it. I can also relate to so much of this. Online/blogging life hasn't been easy since I wrote that post and read that piece-I've been called racist and a host of other things and have been hiding a bit from my space as well. I forced myself to start writing in my space again this month for the same reason-writing is part of who I am, and I value my writing spaces both online and off. So I say all of that to say I get it. I hear you. I see you. I'm so happy you're back.

November 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterADriane Nieves

People on the Internet have been saying things since, like, a long time ago.

November 5, 2014 | Unregistered Commenteradnan.

I'm stuck on the fact that people said not nice things about you. Everyone always loves you! It's something I've always envied!

Huh. Crazy.

I'm sorry that happened. :(

November 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBritt Reints

If you run out of things to say, you can draw monkey cartoons. It's been working for me for over a decade now!

November 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDave2

You are an amazing writer and you have every right to do what you love. I definitely missed you. Do come back

November 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJina

Hi.

November 6, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterNeil

people on the internet may say mean things, but other people on the internet say nice things.
you know you. those people don't know you.
if you are intent on listening to things people on the internet say, listen to the nice things people say about you, please.
know that you are loved.
and appreciated.
welcome back.
<3

November 7, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterhello haha narf

So glad you're back. I haven't been writing much myself of late. Look forward to reading more x

November 7, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSelma

I'm glad you're back, I've missed your words and heart.

November 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterRebecca

Stay

November 26, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterdaniel

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