Tuesday
Mar302010
What's Good for the Goose...
Tuesday, March 30, 2010 at 11:52AM
This past weekend, we went to Disney and came to the conclusion that our son is a tremendous flirt. He is not just friendly, he's an eight month old flirt. He bats eyelashes, smiles, acts all charming and then starts acting coy once he knows his audience is in the palm of his hand. His behavior, in my opinion, is a far cry from the normal cutenesss that eight month olds foist on unsuspecting victims.
So, Tariq and I started discussing how this might play into his teenage personality. Because that's who we are... big picture people.
I said flippantly, I hope this isn't going to be a huge problem and he doesn't try to be some cheesy gel covered Casanova when he's sixteen.
My husband said, He better not. He better be a decent human being that respects women, or I'll <something that may or may not warrant a call from child services>.
I love that about my husband. That his rules are the same. A daughter is not required to exhibit any more modesty, decency or self respect than a son. This is a big deal. It's a testament to the way a man should raise a son and a daughter.
Too many times, I see people excuse sloppiness, bad manners, promiscuity or just plain hyperactive behavior citing that, well, he's a boy, so it's OK.
No, it's not OK.
I understand and accept that gender and sex play important roles in child behavior, and I even accept that we must take into account that these factors exist when disciplining our kids.
Still, a value is a value, and if it's important for your daughter, then it's important for your son. In fact, I would go so far as to say that if you cannot raise your son to follow the rules that you may intend to impose on your daughters, then said values are flawed.
He can be a boy and have self respect and respect others.
He can be a boy and put things back where he picked them up.
He can be a boy and make his bed and wash his hands.
He can be a boy and not hit or fight or curse.
He can be a boy and still think about how what he says or does makes other people feel.
He can be a boy and be kind to people and have good manners.
These are not gender specific.
Of course, the boy, per Tariq's rules, is still not allowed to play with any of his sister's dolls, but, at least Tariq expects his son to behave within an equal set of parameters as his sister as defined by our personal family values.
What a lucky boy. What a lucky family.
So, Tariq and I started discussing how this might play into his teenage personality. Because that's who we are... big picture people.
I said flippantly, I hope this isn't going to be a huge problem and he doesn't try to be some cheesy gel covered Casanova when he's sixteen.
My husband said, He better not. He better be a decent human being that respects women, or I'll <something that may or may not warrant a call from child services>.
I love that about my husband. That his rules are the same. A daughter is not required to exhibit any more modesty, decency or self respect than a son. This is a big deal. It's a testament to the way a man should raise a son and a daughter.
Too many times, I see people excuse sloppiness, bad manners, promiscuity or just plain hyperactive behavior citing that, well, he's a boy, so it's OK.
No, it's not OK.
I understand and accept that gender and sex play important roles in child behavior, and I even accept that we must take into account that these factors exist when disciplining our kids.
Still, a value is a value, and if it's important for your daughter, then it's important for your son. In fact, I would go so far as to say that if you cannot raise your son to follow the rules that you may intend to impose on your daughters, then said values are flawed.
He can be a boy and have self respect and respect others.
He can be a boy and put things back where he picked them up.
He can be a boy and make his bed and wash his hands.
He can be a boy and not hit or fight or curse.
He can be a boy and still think about how what he says or does makes other people feel.
He can be a boy and be kind to people and have good manners.
These are not gender specific.
Of course, the boy, per Tariq's rules, is still not allowed to play with any of his sister's dolls, but, at least Tariq expects his son to behave within an equal set of parameters as his sister as defined by our personal family values.
What a lucky boy. What a lucky family.
Reader Comments (23)
Lucky indeed.
And smart, too. It's far easier to keep the same expectations for both girls and boys. Because if N is anything like her mother, she will absolutely question any deviation. And probably win the point. ;)
My sister and I were raised with two completely different set of rules and I am very willing to admit that was unfair. Now.
what is this shit about not cursing?
(amen to raising fine, upstanding people, regardless of their gender. i love that you and tariq are on the same page about how to raise your children.)
I agree. Although I don't practice gender equality with adults. Men get a lot less respect and much higher expectations from me than women.
I'm sorry. Are you suggesting that your son behaves that way with EVERYONE??
Um, no. My poor little heart simply cannot accept that. That boy is hopelessly and UNIQUELY in love with ME.
your comment about Tariq not allowing your son to play with his sister's dolls reminded me of one incidence when Rishi was 3 or 4 years old. He wanted to buy a microwave at ToysRUs and Sanjay (my husband) didn't allow me to buy it for him. He was like "there is no way my son is playing with microwave" :). I really thought there is nothing wrong with boys wanting to cook. Finally I was able to convince my hubby to buy a microwave for him :). BTW Rishi loves to cook now and hubby is ok with it.
@Avitable, You expect less from women than you do from men? Surprising...
@Princess of the Universe, are you being sarcastic? I think most men are Neanderthals.
Ah how lovely. We would have more MEN like Taruq if there had been more FATHERS like Tariq. Uh - which would mean some sort of time travel, I know but....
Good thing you tweaked this whole thing out before the kid starts to walk and talk. Nothing worse than a 3 year-old cheesy gel covered Casanova macking on all the pre-K babes.
Oh I agree fully. Funny about your husband not letting your son play with the dolls, I think most men are like that but totally fine with the girls playing with the boys stuff!!
Yep. Totally right. I like how some parents also say, "Potty training boys is soo much harder", because I guess little boys are just too stupid to grasp the concept. (*I* don't think that - I think it's just a freaking excuse.)
GAH.
@Avitable, I wasn't being sarcastic- I just think that we should have the same expectations for everyone, men or women.
I hate it when My Love says our son is "all boy" when he does something. When our daughter cries, do I say she's "all girl"?
I want to raise my children (I have a boy and a girl) with the same rules, but I think that I will worry more about my daughter as a teenager than my son.
On the one hand, I can rationalize this within myself because in the real world (i.e. not the idealized world parents try to believe in) males are generally physically stronger than females as adolescents (not always, but as a general rule) and are therefore more vulnerable to a predatory suitor.
On the other hand, though, well, I don't really have an argument for the other hand, but I wish I didn't have to worry about my kids so much.
I can't wait to have a negative influence on your son 15 years from now.
Amen sister!! I have always felt exactly the same way!!
I don't think he is joking- I can totally spot his scumbag double set of "The Game", "Casnova", and "Seduction" from where I'm sitting. I get really irritated when my parents expect more out of me because I'm a girl. To them I should dominate household chores...while loaning a sympathetic ear. And the thing is that type of crap would happen naturally if they weren't so unfair and demanding of their DAUGHTER. I almost intentionally avoid doing stuff because of that nonsense.
I'm sure S.H. goes through his own unfair moments...
@Komal Khan,
Your post in three words: Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!
Here! Here! So true.
True, as always! There is a stigma in our society that says it's okay for boys and men to cheat, that it's okay for them to be the sole providers of the family (and borderline workaholics), and a number of other things I can't think of right now, but I know that if we applied these "rules" to women, it would not be okay. Why is that? We need to raise our children like you said, with equal standards.
or.......
you can just audition him NOW for Jersey Shore!
Wait, we're not supposed to curse? I'm so freaking screwed.