Wednesday
Jan062010
So Long and Thanks for All the Fish!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010 at 12:15PM
The other day I read this article about dolphins.
Apparently, scientists have discovered that dolphins brain power is just slightly less than that of humans.
By the way, don’t you love it when people us that phrase, “scientists have discovered”? As if all scientists agree with one another all the time and act in concert without any debate whatsoever? Kind of like when people say “Liberals.” Or “Muslims.”
Anyway, according to these scientists, who agree with each other all the time, we should start treating dolphins better because they’re almost as smart as we are. Specifically, they “are ‘non-human persons’ who qualify for moral standing as individuals.”
The first thing that popped into my head is that episode of King of the Hill where Hank got molested by the dolphin. No, actually, the first thing that popped in my head was “Thanks for all the fish...” And this only proves that no matter how smart a person thinks they might be, somewhere all the silly television shows and movies they watched will inevitably make them feel like they’re just as simple as everyone else.
But back to the dolphins are so smart we should treat them kind of like people thing. This is just bizarre. First let me say, I am very much against killing dolphins. Very much so. But, the idea that they should be protected because they are “smarter” than other animals feels problematic to me.
Who wants to guess why? Here's a clue: Steak.
Apparently, scientists have discovered that dolphins brain power is just slightly less than that of humans.
By the way, don’t you love it when people us that phrase, “scientists have discovered”? As if all scientists agree with one another all the time and act in concert without any debate whatsoever? Kind of like when people say “Liberals.” Or “Muslims.”
Anyway, according to these scientists, who agree with each other all the time, we should start treating dolphins better because they’re almost as smart as we are. Specifically, they “are ‘non-human persons’ who qualify for moral standing as individuals.”
The first thing that popped into my head is that episode of King of the Hill where Hank got molested by the dolphin. No, actually, the first thing that popped in my head was “Thanks for all the fish...” And this only proves that no matter how smart a person thinks they might be, somewhere all the silly television shows and movies they watched will inevitably make them feel like they’re just as simple as everyone else.
But back to the dolphins are so smart we should treat them kind of like people thing. This is just bizarre. First let me say, I am very much against killing dolphins. Very much so. But, the idea that they should be protected because they are “smarter” than other animals feels problematic to me.
Who wants to guess why? Here's a clue: Steak.
Reader Comments (27)
Denis Leary had a great bit on tuna, dolphins and cows. As if we can decide how important animals are to us based on how good they taste.
Man 1: Don't eat the tuna fish!
Man 2: Why not?
Man 1: Because Dolphins are getting caught in the nets!!!!!!
Man 2: Well what about the Tuna Fish?
Man 1: Fuck them, they taste good!
Then it turned into Man doing an inventory of all the animals.
Man: What are you?
Otter: I'm an otter. I swim on my back and do cute human things with my hands.
Man: Okay...you get to live. What are you?
Cow: I'm a cow. I...
Man: Get on the truck!
Cow: But I graze all day and chew my cud!
Man: You're a baseball mitt! You're a hamburger! Get on the truck!
Something like that.
what do we do with the humans who are stupider than dolphins?
It seems like we have to draw lines somewhere. How about when they ask for better treatment? Or, you know, that we not eat them.... It is, naturally, their responsibility to establish communications.
How smart are cows? Aren't pigs smarter? What's the smartest animal that is typically eaten (discounting so-called delicacies)?
Should we protect all animals? What about insects? Bacteria? We need lines, I tell you! Is "Human?" the only viable answer?
We all need to start eating Soylent Green and be done with it.
But only if it's made from stupid people.
I only eat bark and driftwood.
Ha!
Man, I love steak.
Basically, what this all means, is that someday the dolphins will visit Discovery Cove to eat hamburgers with the humans who are on display there. ;)
Why do I have the sudden urge to yell about soylent green?
I totally agree! Why is it still ok to kill horses for dog food in this country, but now we should all stop and think about the intelligence of dolphins?
Does this mean that I can hunt down and maim every dumb human? Are they worth less than a smart dolphin??
I support the protection of dolphins. But apparently, 9 out of 10 Muslims agree that dolphins should be put to death.
Ummm, I'm pretty sure I've eaten dolphin before. And I remember it tasting very, very good.
you thought of king of the hill, i thought of that damn adam avitable and his dolphin porn.
sigh.
and i wanna know what adnan wants to know.
@Miss Britt, you have not! Evil, evil evil!
@B.E. Earl, That Denis Leary. He's quite the sage.
@adnan., My thoughts exactly. Obviously, we load them up in trucks and make baseball mitts out of them.
@Ren, "Dear Humans, Please stop eating us. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" I think it would go something like that. I think what I find problematic here is the elevation of intellect over the basic premise that something is a living, breathing being. Does this mean that someone who has a high IQ is "more" of a human than someone that does not? That seems wrong to me.
@Finn, But if "you are what you eat"... :)
@Sybil Law, I love steak, too. If loving Prime Rib is wrong, I don't wanna be right.
@Coal Miner's Granddaughter, Hehehehe. I just got the visual on that.
@SciFi Dad, IT'S PEOPLE!!! I think cows have that dialogue all the time.
@Becca, They put horses in dog food? My. God. Why did I not know this?
@Avitable, Well, yeah, because the 9 out of 10 dolphins are pornstar heathens.
@Miss Britt, Who eats a dolphin? MY GOD. I'm beginning to think all the times you said my baby was cute enough to eat in a totally different light.
MISS BRITT EATS BABIES!! MISS BRITT EATS BABIES!!!!
@hello haha narf, Me, too. I think that's what bothered me about this... and why don't we eat puppies and kittens? Because they're cute? So, essentially, our values of humane treatment center around cuteness and intellect. All ugly and stupid things deserve less regard.
On that note, I'm not too hypocritical to admit that I love me some steak. Especially when it's served by a Brazilian dude at an all you can eat Charascuririrururia. (Hehe).
I'm a weak and flawed woman.
I don't see a problem with only eating stupid animals. I'd give up eating pork just for that. Intellect should indeed be more valued.
@Faiqa, It seems clear that we do use intelligence as a measure of the value of life. Sure, we act like we don't with regard to humans, but you see it all the time with regard to animals. There are exceptions (pigs), but mostly just to avoid changing our behavior.
The only thing that trumps intelligence is cuteness. Well, that and being an endangered species.
On the other hand, the amount of genocide in our history is an indication that when push comes to shove, even human level intelligence isn't a panacea.
@Avitable, Well, obviously, you value intellect so you feel that way. But saaaay, standards were different. And we started making value based judgments on whether animals (people, whatever) wore pants to work or not. You'd be in a heap of trouble, then.
@Faiqa, a heap of trouble? Who says that? Are you a 1950's gold prospector? I'd be fucked!