Monday
Jun222009
A Token For Your Thoughts
Monday, June 22, 2009 at 12:05AM An Anti-Drama Precaution: In case anyone is wondering, this post was not written as a reaction to this post. In fact, it was sort of inspired by this one.
I’m going to ask you to approach this post the way I approach most things... by focusing on intent.
I’m not prepared to engage in long defenses of what I’m about to write here because most of it is grounded in emotion. The subject is sensitive, not just for me, but for a lot of people.
I don’t mind terrorist jokes. I think they’re funny. Because I’m not a terrorist, and I think they’re idiots.
I don’t mind jokes about being “brown,” accents, 7/11s or 9/11, being good at math (or not) or having overly demanding parents. As long as the jokes are funny, humor wins every single time in my book.
I don’t even mind jokes about my religion versus your religion because as far as I’m concerned, I practice a religion that is 1400 years strong and my faith in it is not going to be diminished by humor or stereotypes.
However. I'm not fond of feeling like a “token” Muslim or Pakistani-American.
You know, the friend that’s brought up every single time someone talks about the Middle East, Pakistan or Islam.
Maybe I bring up multiculturalism so much that people miss out on the fact that I am mostly American. No. Make that all-American. Yes, I am all American. Like apple pie.
Perhaps I haven't been clear. My affinity and knowledge of India and Pakistan is through association and travel.
I have never lived in India, Pakistan or the Middle East. I have never bought groceries, driven a car, hailed a rickshaw or lived anything remotely resembling a real life there.
Yes, I have been to those places many times. I may even know particular places intimately, but for the most part? I'm a visiting American when I'm there. I think people confuse my passionate interest in India, Pakistan and the Middle East with a pseudo-first hand expertise and, to some degree, imbue me with representativeness on the culture, politics and religion of those regions.
So, a reminder. I am an American who is informed by my parent’s heritage.
I'm not a fan of the phrase Pakistani-American. Because, in my mind, I am an American first. I have a deep love for Pakistan because of my heritage, but it's a footnote in my identity. That is a stand that I take regarding my identity and one that makes a lot of immigrants understandably uncomfortable.
People often forget that there’s a difference between asking me a question about my own personal experience of a culture and expecting me to proselytize on the experience of an entire region as though I were from there.
If I exuberantly answer a question like, “How has political Islam impacted the state of U.S. foreign relations with Pakistan?” you should know that I can answer this question because I am well read, educated and informed on the subject. My ability to discuss this matter doesn’t stem from my heritage.
Yes, one might argue that my interest stems from my heritage. And one would be right about that, but one would be missing the point entirely. Because there are lots of Pakistani people in the world that have no idea what the term "political Islam" means or nor do they care about what that might have to do with American relations.
Like most of you, I was born and brought up in the United States. I watched the same television shows, went to the same schools, read the same books, and, for the most part, ate the same food. When someone chooses to define me in complete context to my parent’s heritage, it makes me feel like a little badge that can be worn on their arm that says “Look, I’m culturally diverse. Aren’t I awesome?”
And, besides, if you want to get all racial up in here, for the most part, my views and outlook on life is far more “white” than it is “brown.” Annd, a quick survey of my closest friends will reveal a 3:1 ratio in favor of white people. Furthermore, I believe in straight lines, not beating your children, waiting at traffic lights and happily paying the asking price for goods and services. It doesn’t get much more “non-brown” than that.
(See what I did there? I got offensive, but it was funny).
I know this may be difficult to navigate. Because I’m not being totally clear on what exactly bothers me.
It may very well be that I'm not entirely clear on what bothers me.
How about this?
How Not to Make Faiqa Feel Like Your Token Brown Friend: A Quick Guide
Note: These are my opinions. I'm not a brown woman demagogue. If you want to know how other Muslim Pakistani American women married to Indian men raised in Saudi Arabia feel about this stuff, go ask them.
- Of course, I believe in being racially and culturally sensitive. I just don’t believe in assuming that every black, brown or white person should automatically identify with the broader experiences of their race/culture. I grew up in a town with two other Pakistani families. My first generation experience is completely different than a male Pakistani-American who grew up in Jackson Heights, NY. The whole spirit of multiculturalism is to avoid boxing people in, and I think a lot of people miss that point.
- I do feel slightly annoyed when people say things to the effect of, “This is Faiqa, my Pakistani American friend” when it is out of context. I find this annoying because, it’s like saying, “Hi, this is my friend Vanessa, she’s black.” Or “This is my friend John, he’s gay.” Do I really have to explain why this is annoying?
- I know this seems hypocritical, but being of Pakistani heritage is a part of my personal identity. I think it’s acceptable for me to choose when to bring it up and when to dismiss it. I think that right belongs to me alone.
- I also felt highly annoyed at teachers and professors who brought up Islam, women in Islam, the veil, Pakistan, the Middle East, beheadings, floggings, terrorism or 9/11 as side bars and then asked just me what I thought about those subjects. I understand that this was, on the part of the professors, an attempt to add perspective and diversity to their classroom. But, you know what? It. Is. Lazy. If a professor wants to add diversity to their class, they need to formulate a lesson plan that does so. Not treat me like their token ambassador to the white man. If I have something to add to their lesson, I will.
- No, I am not an angry brown woman. I understand that people who address that I have a heritage different from their own are open minded and highly evolved people.
- I just want to be treated like a person. A person. Not a demographic. Not a check in someone’s little crib sheet of diversity. If you are of European descent, I seldom consider that you are “white” when talking to or about you. OK, except for this one time when I went to lunch with my friends at an Irish restaurant. That place felt really “white.” Or, no, actually, I felt really “brown.” But, I digress. What I mean is, I hope that you don’t allow my heritage to color your perceptions of every interaction between us, either. I would like it to be treated as a footnote. Not an introduction, summary, abstract and bibliography.
- Are there any Japanese, Malaysian, or Indonesian people reading this blog? I just checked my crib sheet and found I hadn’t checked those boxes, yet. How does one go their entire lives without making a single Japanese friend?
See, I did offensive-funny again. Come on. It was a little funny.
What about you? Are there labels that accurately describe you, but that you find are used a little too often for your comfort? How do you deal with it? Do you (also) write passive aggressive blog posts hoping people will catch on?
Reader Comments (67)
I hate being called a Bearded American. I think that it's my right to choose when to bring up that I do, in fact, have a beard. And this doesn't mean that I speak for all bearded people, nor should I have to have a cogent opinion on clippers, shampoos, or mustache styles.
I'm an American first, and Bearded second.
What if I introduced you as, "This is Faiqa, she's hot. I know."?
Because that's pretty much how I am going to introduce you to everyone.
I've been labeled and mis-labeled all my life, just not along heritage lines. I don't like it any more than anybody else (particularly if it's a wrong label), so I try to be careful to look at everybody as PEOPLE first rather than to start labeling them. Though that's not to say all labels are bad... I just prefer not to stick people in little boxes, because you'll never appreciate all that they are (and can be) if you do.
I grew up in Toronto and I was always the token white kid. Also, it's been said that white people aren't supposed to say, "I don't see colour," even though I have had friends every frikken colour of the rainbow and I really really truly do not think about their colour all that much. The reason behind that was so I remember the heritage behind every one of my friends. I'm totally digging learning about cultures and religions but it's obviously not all you or I would want to discuss (truly, I could see you and I discussing parenting before those other topics.)
It feels like no matter what I do, it's wrong.
I totally agree with your post - seeing these things as being rude - I'm just confused because of what I've been told about not seeing colour.
*head explodes*
I say everyone get out of their mental tupperware and leave it at that!
Amen, Faiqa. I want to respond but need to think through what I want to type.
I'll be back.... :)
Not to take anything away from your heritage or downplay everything that you are but quite honestly, when I think of you, I think of my "pretty pretty princess" friend....not my "Pakistani-American" friend. I tend to define people by their character traits way more than by their race and/or culture.
I mean, I may be waiting for you to not be pregnant and bloated anymore so that I can beg you for some more of that food like we had at your shower but other than that, it's totally not about your race. But yah, what about that food? ;)
In all seriousness, I have no idea what it is like to be labeled because of my race or color, obviously. To a milder extent, I know what it is like to be "the chubby friend" and that is bad enough. And you know what? You are so right about it being YOUR prerogative as to when these things get brought up. Uh, like you needed ME to tell you that!
PS - I do not mean "pretty pretty princess" in a negative way, like that you are a snob. Nay nay, I mean that you are a pretty pretty princess every time I see you. :)
People introduce me as their two friends from Guernsey.
When I talk about you to my friends back home, I say
"my friend Faiqa"
"my pregnant friend who needs to get unpregnant NOW"
"my friend Faiqa and her husband Tariq, who are so awesome that if I didn't love Faiqa so much I would totally want to do inappropriate things to her husband."
"my friend Faiqa who is so much like me - except prettier and with more money."
Come to think of it, I'm not sure if Erin - who has heard ALL ABOUT you - has any idea what your religion or racial heritage is.
BUT...
I will readily admit to being intrigued by your heritage and your religion. I've only ever been really close to one another Muslim family (that will happen when you grow up in a small, predominantly protestant town in Iowa) - and I bombarded her with the same questions I bombard you with.
I also find it interesting that so many of your friends look like you - because you and Tariq happen to be the only friends I know who look like you. I'm like - Jeez, am I hanging out in the wrong bars, or what?
AND - I will admit to being TERRIFIED of hanging out with you and your friends and family. But not so much because of our religious or ethnic differences, but because I am not nearly as well read or educated or ANYTHING as you.
I'm fairly confident that you know this, but I want to affirm it anyway.
My friendship with you is based on the fact that we went to see Obama and Clinton together and we giggled and drooled and tried to look very important. But I'm also in awe that you were able to speak some form - broken as it might have been - of Indian to that reporter you tracked down.
Now - how about we go hunt us down a nice Japanese couple to befriend? I found little Asia in Orlando on my way to the doctor's office the other day. I think we should start there.
That's hot. i'm going to disseminate.
I am not usually tagged as anything (boring blonde white woman) except I am sometimes the token "teacher" in some social circles. And I have been the token Catholic before.
My children's father has a Hispanic last name and I giggle at the Spanish-speaking telemarketers we sometimes attract. ("Ola Senora.....blah, blah, blah in Spanish....AT&T?)
Very well-written post. You made your points very clearly.
And I promise that if I ever get to know you better than via the blogosphere I will refer to you only as "that chick from Florida". Okay?
J.
I can soooooo relate to the stereotype, Faiqa. For so many years, I have been referred to as the "big blond". Sure, it hurts. I try and laugh it off. Rarely, does it work. Point is, I am who I am... you are who you are... and, I don't think that precursor tags EVER need to be applied.
Love you...
Noted. And understood.
In answer to your question (and I cringe at writing this because it sounds petty in comparison to what you're talking about), I get a little tired of being thought of as the pretty one. There is far more to me than what I look like and soon enough I won't look like this anymore but everything else that I am will still be there. And I wonder if anyone will see me anymore.
While I respect, understand and agree with every single point you've made Faiqa, I read the entire post just thinking of how much I envy your gorgeous complexion and skin tone. It gets seriously old being freckled and prone to blotchy redness...just sayin'.
When you said you were like apple pie....my first thought was "I don't like apple pie but I bet it would taste better with less cinnamon and tons of brown sugar."
Anyway.
I "get" what you mean - even if I haven't experienced it to the degree that you have. I will no longer refer to you as "the really hot chick who is so freakin' smart that she is almost intimidating even though she is so awesome that she would never purposely talk down to you....unless she was guest hosting on CYR, then she'd totally rip Adam to shreds with her words."
Wait - yeah - that is a long intro. I'll just call you the hot smart lady. xoxo
Maybe it's because we have never met face to face, but I honestly think of you as Muslim first (mainly because almost all the blogs I read are American or Canadian, and as much as some people will shake their heads, it's pretty much the same thing, except with less guns and free health care). That's probably because I have very few people in my life who are a) Muslim and b) willing to discuss matters of faith openly. So, if that offends, then sorry, but I hope you get my intent.
I just think of you as the gorgeous intelligent geek who also loves studying the American Civil War.
I get what you are saying because lazy brained folks like to pigeon hole folks.
I absolutely, positively HATE hyphens. Seriously. Why do we need to distinguish everyone who isn't white? I don't walk around shouting, "HEATHER! GERMAN-AMERICAN!" My German ancestors came off the boat over 100 years ago. My friend Toni? Doesn't make it clear that she's Italian-American. So, why do we need to label anyone who isn't white? I don't get it? I'm with you. We're all Americans. When I'm asked my nationality, why circle white or black or Asian or whatever. It's like Americans aren't allowed to be American. We have to be something else.
And? You can totally announce me to people as "Heather. My Geek-American friend." ;)
@Avitable, So, we're on the same page, then. That's good. And scary.
@Sarah, You're so sweet. And, yeah, that's fine.
@Dave2, I think labels are useful to a point. As long as we don't rely on them completely... I think we agree on this, right?
@Karen Sugarpants, I don't think you should feel like everything you do is wrong... as far as white people being the only people who aren't supposed to see color, I think *everyone* (not just white people) should be careful of that, to an extent. Let's say, we substitute "cancer", "special needs" or "depression" for color. We can't just ignore those things about people, right? At the same time, we can't let it define them, either, because we're all so much more than that. So, it's like we acknowledge that there's this part of them, and acknowledge that for the most part, that little difference pales in comparison to what we have in common.
ANYWAY, from what I know and read of you, you are definitely not remotely "guilty" of anything close to that... I think you're very good at seeing the whole picture.
@Robin, Waiting with bated breath. :)
@Hilly, I very firmly believe that you're someone who sees the soul of a person before their color. You're evolved like that. :)
@Hilly, You're such a sweetheart, thank you for that.
@Kiefer and Emo, Annnd I'm off to google Guernsey.
@Miss Britt, "but because I am not nearly as well read or educated or ANYTHING as you."
Oh, honey. I'm going to smack you upside the head in the hopes of knocking that thought right out of your head. Metaphorically speaking.
You're one of the most mentally stimulating, intelligent and inspiring friends I have.
@nancy, You're the one who taught me why I shouldn't to take no crap about this stuff in the first place. ;)
@HoosierGirl, Deal. :)
@Dede, I'm sure that gets annoying. Although *some* people think being tall and blond is kind of hot.
@Finn, It's not petty, at all. I can understand where you're coming from. Does it make a difference that I have no idea what you look like except for some fuzzy and obscure facebook profile photos and I still think you're amazing?
@DeannaBanana, You're sweet, thanks. You know, when I was growing up, I was intensely jealous of people who had freckles. I wanted them soooo bad, they were so CUTE. True story.
@Sheila (Charm School Reject), Hahaha -- I *am the brown sugar in apple pie. I should have written that instead, brilliant!!
@SciFi Dad, Not offensive, at all. :)
@Turnbaby, Aww thanks. I appreciate that. And, btw, missing your party was one of the LOW points of my year. :(
@Coal Miner's Granddaughter, My favorite is when people will say, "Where are you from?"
And then I'll say, "Florida"
And then they say, "No, where are you from?"
And then I go, "Floooorida".
And then they just sort of stare at me for a minute.
Sigh.
@Faiqa, you're just saying that because I told you where to find the Japanese people.
@Miss Britt, That part of town was VIETNAMESE. Hahaha. No, but, really. It is.
This post reminds me of an old Church of Latter Day Saints commercial that used to run on Saturday mornings during the cartoons. You are much to young to remember it.
The ad had a young boy and an elderly man fishing on a pond someplace. The kid asks what "prejudiced" means. His grandfather tells him and asks why. The kid says "Jimmy says I'm prejudiced." After being asked who Jimmy is, the kid replies "Jimmy is my Jewish friend". The grandfather shakes his head and says "Then you are prejudiced. Because you consider Jimmy to be your Jewish friend and not just your friend."
(This was a message from the Church of Latter Day Saints)
Not a month goes by where that ad doesn't come up when I'm talking with my friend Peter. Peter, of course, is my Jewish friend. ;)
PS - I have a great many friends from many different backgrounds, but I too don't have any Japanese friends. Weird. I have Thai, Korean, Vietnamese and Chinese friends, but no Japanese. Gotta work on that.
@B.E. Earl, there was supposed to be an end italics HTML in there somewhere at the bottom. Oops.
I'm Puerto Rican but my co-workers constantly tell me that I'm not loud enough or wear my clothes tight enough to actually be from Puerto Rico. Why does being quite, in their eyes, make me white. It can get frustrating. What's worse is when I get that from a fellow Hispanic. My father doesn't even think I'm Puerto Rican enough...whatever that means.
I thought you were my Indian American friend. You had a bindi at Halloween! Oh! That was your COSTUME.
Well. I just don't know how you expect me to keep up!
(That was my lame attempt at being funny!)
In all seriousness, now - You're just the hot chick I adore. Period. I don't really get any labels whatsoever, that i know of, because I am fairly boring. Maybe "Whore American", but I am not even a whore! (Much.)
I think of you as a Muslim first also. Unfortunately, I just simply do not know any other Muslims, middle-Easterners, Indians, or other brown (Latino notwithstanding) people. I have met many, but have no relationships with them. It is not for fear or lack of tolerance. You're just the only one thus far cool enough to know me. You are singular, but that does not make you a "token."....hopefully.
"I’m not a fan of the phrase Pakistani-American. Because, in my mind, I am an American first." That is an awesome statement, and you have no idea how long I've been waiting for someone other than me to say it. I dare not bring the subject up around most blacks, for fear of, well, upsetting them? I firmly believe that if we are to accent our American citizenship with our heritage, that America should somehow come first. It doesn't work so well with the way adjectives play out in the English language, but it is still frustrating. I think there should also be a generational time-limit on this tag. Say 2-3 generations. If your great-great grandparents came from another country, cool, but unfortunately you are more deeply rooted in America than them. Nobody ever calls me an Anglo-Prussian American, and I'm totally slighted. I mean, I'm white, isn't it obvious?!
Just wondering..should I call Kelly my fair skinned,freckled,redhaired Celtic-American friend?And perhaps Luigi from the pizza place should be called my olive skinned,darkhaired,basil loving Mediterrean-American friend?And there is also mad Robbie..perhaps I should in future refer to him as my och-aye,frizzy bearded,tartan wearing Scottish-American.It just proves how utterly ridiculous these labels can be.
i know what you mean... people always introduce me as their "Hot man-stud".. it gets old fast...i have a brain, you know!
seriously, if you have friends that are saying “This is Faiqa, my Pakistani American friend”, then they arent REAL friends.
i dont label my friends, for any reason.
I admit it - I like offensive-funny! I also like jokes about God, which sends my not-just-a-footnote slightly fobbish husband over the edge. There's just no joking about God with him.
As for me, I'm not sure what I think about this post. I often say to first generation children of immigrants that I'm raising one of YOU! What you wrote makes me worry about raising my son. I WANT him to think of himself as Pakistani-American. It never occurred to me there might be something wrong with that term. I mean, I never even questioned his American-ness. He's got an American mother, he'll be raised in America - he is GOING to be American! It's imparting the other half of his heritage that concerns me. So we as a family have a Pakistani bent, as if we can offer 75% Pakistani and 25% American in 100% America and maybe end up close to the middle? Maybe? Anyway, I'm not sure what I would think if my son grew up and felt the same as you wrote.
Although I do understand that my son will be a completely different version of child-of-immigrant in that he will never be singularly identified by his Pakistani-ness - exactly what you're talking about in this post. Even if he is, he has the option of correcting their "mistake."
(Oh, and he WILL hail a rickshaw in his life. Even I'VE done that!)
Oh crap! I just read through the links you posted. I'm an "open in another tab and read later" kind of girl. I didn't know about the hyphen debate! And I used a hyphen up there ^
I'll do better next time.
@Carmen, Oh, wow... your co-workers behavior is just so wrong on so many levels. That would be like someone asking me why I don't cover my head if I'm from Pakistan... oh, wait, been there. :/
@Sybil Law, Snort. Whore American. You so wrong.
@RebTurtle, Singularity does not equal tokenism. I think the issue with (ahem) African Americans is a little more nuanced than in my case. These are a people whose heritage and identity was diminished and hidden for 3/4 of this nation's history, so their use of this term is more of an act of re-appropriating an identity. In the end, though, labels are a double edged sword, I guess. They can be useful in certain contexts, but debilitating in others.