Friday
Mar062009
The Short List
Friday, March 6, 2009 at 01:33AM
You can call it hormones. (He had no problem doing so the other day. Which is why he still gets no nuts).
In essence, though, I’m undergoing a shift and the permanency of it feels real.
You know that saying, "I couldn't care less"?
I've been saying that a lot. Not about everything.
Just about people.
Not all people. But a lot of them.
I have, finally, thankfully, lost the creativity necessary to concoct excuses for the insanity of the human race.
I'm officially over trying to find the good in everyone.
That doesn’t mean I don’t think the good exists in everyone. I definitely do. I’m just saying, I am officially resigning from the position of being the idiot whose profession is actively finding it.
If the good isn’t wildly apparent and slapped all over your face, thank you, but I’m going to have to move on.
I’m a born diplomat, you know. A smiler. A person who makes sure that everyone, in the end, is happy. I seek not to offend. I diffuse. I try and see everyone’s point.
If you don't smile, I wonder why. Are you sad? Why? How can I fix it? Are you hungry? Can I get you something to drink?
I also tend to overlook the fact that maybe I deserve a little more courtesy. A little more respect. A little more thoughtfulness. Because, you know, it’s not all about me.
A forgetfulness regarding those things is not something I should take personally, right?
To hell with that.
I’m taking everything personally from now on. I deserve lots of courtesy, loads of respect, and tons of thoughtfulness. And I will not associate with people with whom I have to fight for it.
How can you not take being dismissed or treated rudely, as a personal affront?
I hear you, it's not you, honey, it's them.
Really? Well, I'm the moron who decided to associate with that rude, discourteous person in the first place, right? I'm not a fighter, for the most part. So, taking it personally, for me, just means I'm walking away. Banishment. That's all.
If a person doesn't know how to treat another human being with dignity, I am not going to teach them.
I have a list in my head of the people whose happiness means something to me.
And that list has become very short. It’s going to stay short, too.
I can’t stop thinking about the compromises I've made in the past in the name of giving people a chance when I knew better. I made compromises on the people I met and initially thought, Wow, this person has issues. Thanks, but no thanks. Have a nice life.
And, then, that stupid good girl voice in my head, the one who incessantly tortures me with the guilt about being an adolescent mean girl, whispers, You don’t even know them. Everyone deserves a chance. Be nice, don’t be quick to judge.
But, I'm not the mean girl, anymore. My feelings aren't about quick judgment or insecurity, they are self-preservation and sanity.
I do know this person. I’m smart. I’ve seen them before.
They have a different face today, but it’s the same soul. It’s the soul that brings out the worst in mine. The soul that will drain mine slowly due to all the effort I’m going to have to exert in order to not get caught up in their drama and cruelty.
This formidable and amazing woman I read on the Internet wrote about not only the effect of negative persons on our own psyches, but also the role that we play in the negativity of others.
I really don't want to be the person that makes another person feel comfortable enough to act like a thoughtless and spiteful child. And doesn’t my friendship with a person that behaves that way sort of condone that behavior? Yes. It does.
I’m not an angry person, anymore. The reason? I learned to avoid people who instigate my tendency to get angry.
I’m not a mean person, anymore. The reason? I’ve learned to avoid people that who instigate my tendency to be unkind.
I am a loving, loyal and generous person. The reason? I’ve learned to avoid people who remind me that there are people in this world who do not recognize that they have a right to love, loyalty and generosity and view such gestures as being naive and manipulative.
And, yet. Yet here I am. Angry, spiteful, and feeling kind of mean all because I doubted myself and my ability to judge what's good for me.
It's time to clean house. And fast. No more false friendships. No more constructed pleasantries. That short list I mentioned earlier? They are the ones that get the breaks.
Everyone else? Find another Pollyanna who can take your crap and lead you down the path that helps you discover the light within you.
I’m just taking my ball and I’m going home. Quietly. Without a fight. Because, really, I don’t care.
And because some people just aren’t worth fighting for in the first place.
In essence, though, I’m undergoing a shift and the permanency of it feels real.
You know that saying, "I couldn't care less"?
I've been saying that a lot. Not about everything.
Just about people.
Not all people. But a lot of them.
I have, finally, thankfully, lost the creativity necessary to concoct excuses for the insanity of the human race.
I'm officially over trying to find the good in everyone.
That doesn’t mean I don’t think the good exists in everyone. I definitely do. I’m just saying, I am officially resigning from the position of being the idiot whose profession is actively finding it.
If the good isn’t wildly apparent and slapped all over your face, thank you, but I’m going to have to move on.
I’m a born diplomat, you know. A smiler. A person who makes sure that everyone, in the end, is happy. I seek not to offend. I diffuse. I try and see everyone’s point.
If you don't smile, I wonder why. Are you sad? Why? How can I fix it? Are you hungry? Can I get you something to drink?
I also tend to overlook the fact that maybe I deserve a little more courtesy. A little more respect. A little more thoughtfulness. Because, you know, it’s not all about me.
A forgetfulness regarding those things is not something I should take personally, right?
To hell with that.
I’m taking everything personally from now on. I deserve lots of courtesy, loads of respect, and tons of thoughtfulness. And I will not associate with people with whom I have to fight for it.
How can you not take being dismissed or treated rudely, as a personal affront?
I hear you, it's not you, honey, it's them.
Really? Well, I'm the moron who decided to associate with that rude, discourteous person in the first place, right? I'm not a fighter, for the most part. So, taking it personally, for me, just means I'm walking away. Banishment. That's all.
If a person doesn't know how to treat another human being with dignity, I am not going to teach them.
I have a list in my head of the people whose happiness means something to me.
And that list has become very short. It’s going to stay short, too.
I can’t stop thinking about the compromises I've made in the past in the name of giving people a chance when I knew better. I made compromises on the people I met and initially thought, Wow, this person has issues. Thanks, but no thanks. Have a nice life.
And, then, that stupid good girl voice in my head, the one who incessantly tortures me with the guilt about being an adolescent mean girl, whispers, You don’t even know them. Everyone deserves a chance. Be nice, don’t be quick to judge.
But, I'm not the mean girl, anymore. My feelings aren't about quick judgment or insecurity, they are self-preservation and sanity.
I do know this person. I’m smart. I’ve seen them before.
They have a different face today, but it’s the same soul. It’s the soul that brings out the worst in mine. The soul that will drain mine slowly due to all the effort I’m going to have to exert in order to not get caught up in their drama and cruelty.
This formidable and amazing woman I read on the Internet wrote about not only the effect of negative persons on our own psyches, but also the role that we play in the negativity of others.
I really don't want to be the person that makes another person feel comfortable enough to act like a thoughtless and spiteful child. And doesn’t my friendship with a person that behaves that way sort of condone that behavior? Yes. It does.
I’m not an angry person, anymore. The reason? I learned to avoid people who instigate my tendency to get angry.
I’m not a mean person, anymore. The reason? I’ve learned to avoid people that who instigate my tendency to be unkind.
I am a loving, loyal and generous person. The reason? I’ve learned to avoid people who remind me that there are people in this world who do not recognize that they have a right to love, loyalty and generosity and view such gestures as being naive and manipulative.
And, yet. Yet here I am. Angry, spiteful, and feeling kind of mean all because I doubted myself and my ability to judge what's good for me.
It's time to clean house. And fast. No more false friendships. No more constructed pleasantries. That short list I mentioned earlier? They are the ones that get the breaks.
Everyone else? Find another Pollyanna who can take your crap and lead you down the path that helps you discover the light within you.
I’m just taking my ball and I’m going home. Quietly. Without a fight. Because, really, I don’t care.
And because some people just aren’t worth fighting for in the first place.
Reader Comments (44)
This is one hell of a post! I've got a big chunk of diplomat in me also (although my friends might be surprised to hear me say it since I go out of my way to hide it, and since I suck so bad at "constructed pleasantries"). So a lot of this resonated with me.
I hear you Faiqa. If it's that hard to be nice to someone makes you wonder if its really worth being nice to them :)
How could someone who knows you, of all people, not treat you with courtesy and respect? You're pretty fucking amazing, and they must be blind and/or stupid.
Just because you're too good to be unkind to those who can't treat you properly doesn't mean there aren't others who will take care of the job for you. All I need is a name.
In all seriousness, there is a fine art to being kind yet not taken advantage of or disrespected. It's my efforts to balance that tightrope that make me seem like I oscillate between gentle and evil.
Wait.
Did you just banish me???
*SNIFF* *SNIFF
I do know what you mean though. I used to take everything as a personal attack. Then I realized that the reason I did so was because I was intolerant of those that were different from me. So I accepted that they were different because they had a different perspective, and tried to see things from their side instead of instantly being offended.
It can be exhausting. There are still certain people who will push me over the edge, such as being dismissive.
But a relationship isn't a one way street. It has to be a give and a take... and those that just take will generally find themselves seeing less and less of me... because there is only so much I can give. It becomes a self-preservation thing.
So before I get banished... can I have my nuts???
I find this very interesting. I think I also tend to try to give people the benefit of the doubt for their behavior, though consistent behavior is eventually assumed to be innate.
However, I don't think that this ends up being a problem for me. That is, I don't think I get taken advantage of because of this.
On the other hand, I do think I am guilty of not reaching out to my friends for no particular reason often enough.
*Everyone* is worth fighting for... just maybe not by you. And that is so very much OK. :-)
@Ben: I think some people might be surprised at me calling myself a diplomat, too. They have no idea how mean I feel like being sometimes. :)
@Ayesha: True. But, I'm not going to stop being nice... just stop being *available* to those type of people, if that makes sense.
@Avitable: Thanks, Adam.
@SciFi Dad: I think I'll continue to be kind, but I'm just feeling like I should be more guarded in terms of who I take in as an "intimate" friend. (I don't mean it like THAT, geez.)
@NYCWD:No way. You are way to really real to be banished. Who is going to call me out every third post and make me think about what I've written? PLUS you're my brother from a non-Pakistani mother (and father-- let's stay appropriate here). People like you, I am lucky to know. Like you said, there's no ill will or animosity towards the people I've "banished." It *is* self-preservation. And exhaustion.
@Ren: I don't even know that I feel taken advantage of... it's more that I don't like who I am around these people. It's about negativity and downright meanness, and very little of it is directed at me. At some point, though, a person has to decide whether to join them or walk away. I choose walk.
@Dawn: I completely agree.
I'd be one of those people who'd tell you not to take it personally, that is them, not you. HOWEVER... I would also tell you that just because they have issues doesn't mean you have to let them treat you with disrespect. You're doing the best thing you can for you by simply walking away. That takes real strength, dignity and self-respect. Bravo.
And I completely agree with Adam. You are pretty fucking amazing.
First of all, amazing post!
Second of all, thanks for the kind words about me and *my* little post.
Finally, I was cheering by the time I got to the end of reading your blog today. I can sit here and definitely tell you that this is not a hormone issue, because I've recently gone through it as well. I think that maybe it could possibly be a "major life change" issue because we really don't have time for the crap when faced with other things being more important or in my case more damaging than pettiness.
I'm the type of person that can meet someone and instantly know whether or not they are trouble as well. I tried to fit into society's nice little box there for awhile, being nice to everyone and giving chance after chance. However, I am always right and always am frustrated with myself for not walking away instead of playing nice. Also? You know that I've had to make some tough friendship decisions this year because I was to the same point you are and I'm sorry but life is too short to settle for friendships with all take and no give.
I could go on and on here but uh, I'm feeling ya!
Good for you Faiqa. With the limited time we have for each other, we can't be bothered to waste time on people who don't fit the minimum requirements (like just being thoughtful). Here's something you can use (see below); I call it the 'Circle of Influence' calculation. If the number is negative, it means you need to seriously re-evaluate the quality of people around you. Here we go (all variable values except n1,n2,n3 can be changed for your particular situation):
n1: pain threshold for people you like = 4
n2: pain threshold for people you dislike = 3
n3: pain threshold for people on the cusp = 2
f: # of total friends = 30
gf: good friends = 10
bf: bad friends = 15
nf: on the cusp friends = 5
Circle of Influence score (cof)= (((gf)^n1) + ((nf)^n3) - ((bf)^n2)))/f
@Finn: Thanks, I love it when amazing people say I'm amazing.
@Hilly: It is a life change issue... and these thoughts have been gestating in my head for a while, reading your blog and about your experiences has given me a lot of perspective. Thanks for that.
@tariq: Wow. That was HOT, honey. That takes me back to our courtship days when I pretended to be bad at math so you would tutor me. :)
I know what you mean, but I learned early on that some people just aren't worthy of my time, and it doesn't make me feel bad to blow them off entirely. I don't come at that from a conceited mindset, but, as you (and Hilly) said, a preservation point. Another thing is, when you let certain people suck the life and light out of you, you have less light and life to give to the people around you who deserve it.
Gah I sound all new agey!
I love you, and you are beyond awesome.
Now whose ass do I have to kick?
This is righteous. I totally needed to read this today. Thanks!
What a timely post for me! You've said exactly what I've been feeling, I just didn't know how to put it into words. A relationship doesn't have to be completely toxic to be unhealthy. The toxic ones are just more blatantly bad for us and easier to cut off than the relationships that just aren't right. See? I still can't put it into words nearly as well as you can!
Can I just display for one second how pathetic I am?
I'm reading this thinking "man, I hope I haven't been a whiny, inconsiderate bitch with her. I have a habit of sucking as a friend."
OMG. PREACH!!! You totally took the words right out of my mouth. I am tired of being diplomatic to people who are straight arseholes.
I will read this one more time once I get home so I can beat it into my head some more.... :)
And yeah - you are freaking amazing....
@Sybil Law: If I give you name, will you come to Florida?
@sizzle: Thank you,knowing that someone else might feel this way makes me feel a little more sane.
@floating princess: Let's see, I took about 800 words to say what you just did in about ten. I think you win. :)
@Miss Britt: Oh, Britt, you're a wonderful friend. Definitely on my short list.
@Robin: Thanks, hon. Diplomacy is for SUCKAS!!
Bravo. Great post. I know right where you are coming from. The word I use to describe myself is "arbitrator" the person who is always there to smooth out the shit. Make people get along. Help when people ask. To be honest, I don't mind helping sometimes, but for the most part, it's gotten very old and tiring. A person can only give so much before you have to say "where's the part when someone else gives back to me?"
Give it time. I'm sure I'll disappoint you at some point! Ask Adam, I'm a shitty friend long term. LOL
@Britt - We all disappoint each other now and again. Life happens and people are imperfect. There is a huge difference between THAT and being a total tool 100% of the time for as long as we both shall live. Amen.
This post is amazing. It is everything I believe but worded so much better and more clearly than I would have written it.
i think it's wonderful to learn how to cut your losses and walk away. i just don't want you taking things personally, because that ends up hurting or causing you to be angry. when you're angry, or let yourself BECOME angry, you simply become a participant in the negativism that got you there in the first place.
i think neutrality is what you're looking for. a "meh" kind of attitude, you can take 'em or leave 'em, and meanwhile, when you find something or someone worth holding on to --- you do.
but never take anything personally. people can't see out of their own personal experiences (i.e., asses) in order to make a judgment about your life. why take THEIR ass part experiences to heart?
my two cents.
olives.
I totally agree you should become unavailable as long as its not to me :) Cut your losses and don't change. We love you just the way you are. You know what you want and you have no problems standing up for what you believe in. Wish there were more like you think Tariq would mind if we cloned you :)
I just assume everybody is an asshole and go from there.
@martymankins: Yeah, I don;t want to be the arbitrator anymore. People need to grow up and figure out their own lives, you know?
@Miss Britt: I like Hilly's response.
@radioactive tori: Thanks.
@Crys: Your two cents are priceless... or something like that. You're right. Neutrality... that is what I want.
@Ayesha: Thanks for saying that, I appreciate that.
@RW: Thanks, that made me laugh. On another note, the older I get the more wisdom I see in your approach.
i can relate to this post so much these days, Faiqa.
i went through a situation - for lack of a better word - with someone recently that left me feeling completely exasperated and baffled. but at the end of the day, when all the drama was over, i walked away with a clear conscience, because i knew that i'd been gracious and considerate and had done all i could to give the benefit of the doubt, attempt to rectify the situation, etc.
and at the end of the day, it's awesome that i truly do believe it wasn't about me, but about the other person and their inability to be a mature, honest adult.
I really don’t want to be the person that makes another person feel comfortable enough to act like a thoughtless and spiteful child. And doesn’t my friendship with a person that behaves that way sort of condone that behavior? Yes. It does.
i love your point here. when i admitted that the reason i was so annoyed with the whole situation was that my pride was stung because i'd not been the one to have the last word, one friend said, 'i love you, but get over yourself. the last word is not so important at this moment in your life,' and another friend said, 'don't EVEN reach out to that person. for anyone to know what's going on in your life is a PRIVILEGE, and if someone is not worthy of that privilege, then you need to cut ALL ties. if you reach out to that person now, you're essentially saying that what they did was okay, and that you're okay with it.'
so, basically, highfive to this post!
and - your Tariq's equation was freakin' AWESOME!
This post makes me feel like I just got punched in the stomach. Please don't cut me off again , thoose were some sucky times. Faiqa baji, I love you, but girl when you cut people - you cut people BAD. I hope I never share a prison cell with you.
mmkkkkk feeeell better!
"Because, really, I don’t care."
can we get that on a t-shirt?
dude, i totally second that request for a tshirt-printing.
Oh dear, that's quite a post. I hope nothing in current past caused you to write this.
I do agree with you. I'm going to sound like I'm 102, but these days people are only concerned with themselves which leads to a lack of consideration. When I think too hard about it, it makes me feel the very same way. It makes me sad. I have very high expectations of people and am disappointed when they don't live up to those expectations.
I'm sure most of "these people" are good people to the ones they know and love, but I think how you treat people you don't know is a true sign of the kind of person you are.
Holy. Crap. You just wrote everything that's been on my mind lately, that I couldn't find the words to express without totally trashing a couple of people.
I tend to be the same way. I tend to think I can help or change everyone, help them see what they're doing wrong and work on what they're doing right. And lately? I just don't care anymore. It's my turn now. (:
*standing ovation*
I'm the opposite from RW. You start on my good list and work your way down from there.
Very few in my inner circle, which is decidedly thin at the moment.
wow, this is also so me:
"I’m a born diplomat, you know. A smiler. A person who makes sure that everyone, in the end, is happy. I seek not to offend. I diffuse. I try and see everyone’s point.
If you don’t smile, I wonder why. Are you sad? Why? How can I fix it? Are you hungry? Can I get you something to drink?"
faiqa, you are one of the coolest, smartest, funniest people i know. if anyone has wronged you, i personally would be happy to beat their asses for you. not even kidding.
i am a negative person by nature, which is probably a pretty shitty way to go thru life, but when i do find real good in people, it makes for a nice surprise..
@yasmine: "Get over yourself"... hmm, smart friend. This is a great point, that our egos could be held responsible for a lot of the junk we are subjected to... btw, I love the patented yaz e-high fives. :)
@Komal: I never cut *you* off. I hope you will realize one day why things went down the way they did. You had no responsibility in the situation WHATSOEVER. Until then, I love ya'.
@adnan: Hmm. How much would one pay for said T Shirt.
@Kimberly: Exactly.
@Elizabeth Kaylene: Makes me feel so much better when people say they relate. Thanks.
@Mistress Mom: ::Humbly bowing:: Thank you, thank you. :)
@Karl: I envy RW's approach, mostly because I'm like you, too.
@hello haha narf: Thanks, lady, I know I can count on you.
@Slyde: Lowered expectations are the key to happiness, but I think it's easier said than done... for me, at least.
I went through this over the last 2 years and it's really refreshing to spend time with people who are positive and true. The fake people and the negative people can suckit. It's really that simple. That's not to say that I'm not there for friends who are dealing with issues, it's quite the opposite. But I spend that time with them because I know they are friends enough to be there for me when I'm being a) upset; b) being a douchey cruntbag, or c) legitimately pissed off with something. Give and take and all that.
I recently 'broke up' with a new friend because it was all whiny-negative-the-world-owes-me-everything, all the time. It was exhausting and if I said the wrong thing, she would freak out. Something was clearly wrong with her, and I know myself well enough to know it wasn't me. So yeah - I get your taking your ball and going home - because it definitely is not our responsibility to fix everyone else.
@Karen Sugarpants: "it was all whiny-negative-the-world-owes-me-everything" PLUS "I think I'm so smart, let me tell you how you should live every moment of your life without considering whether I know what the hell I'm talking about in the first place". That's the insanity that I, thankfully, just walked away from. Like you, I'm also definitely there for positive people who have their negative *moments*.
I totally understand you. I think. There's a lady here at work, she was showing off her vacation pictures but didn't stop at my desk. SOoo, the girl who sits next to the vacationer giggles and asks me if I saw the pictures, and I said no and kept on walking. She was like oooh, like I have an attitude. Excuse me??!!! She's the one that chose not to show me her pics in the first place. Am I wrong here!!??
::sigh:: Faiqa. If I pretend to not be so miserable and stop being a whiny little negative bitch, can I keep you on my list?
But, ya know, maybe I should get some kind of disclaimer about how shitty of a friend I am. That way we can avoid this sort of awkwardness in the future.
kinda tongue in cheek here but ya know....yeah
::going away now::
xoxo
@ADRealty: Nope you aren't wrong. And, yeah, that is the gist of what I'm talking about.
@Sheila (Charm School Reject): A person would be lucky if the best of their friends were as "shitty" as you. And it's completely OK in my book to whine as long as your feet are moving while you do it.
it’s completely OK in my book to whine as long as your feet are moving while you do it.
i think that just might be the most GENIUS piece of advice/asskicking i've heard in a while, Faiqa. highfive!