Sunday
Nov292009
Extra Super Extreme Now With Cinammon Blast
Sunday, November 29, 2009 at 10:40PM
You know what I find fascinating?
Marketing.
I went to buy toothpaste the other day.
Toothpaste.
Toothpaste, people.
“A bold BLAST of cinnamon!”
“Revolutionary Whitening!”
I guess the fight against plaque is all we have left since we live in a fully functioning democracy free of monarchical tyranny.
Brushing your teeth?
No, my friend, you are combating plaque, annihilating tooth decay, struggling for whiteness. (Heh.)
Then, there’s antiperspirants with scents called “Phoenix,” “Dark Temptation,” and “Essence.”
Did I miss something?
You aren’t just a guy putting on some deodorant after the gym! Oh, no, you are Odysseus himself swerving through the wine red sea being lured by water nymphs... or whatever it was that lured him... into mysterious adventures and dangers. Are the men buying these scents running off to steal a golden fleece or slay a hydra?
And people buy this stuff. They eat it up. Or they brush their teeth with it, anyway.
Simply fascinating.
I’m thinking it’s because most people lack any real adventure in their lives. We go through life just sort of... surviving.
Thousands of years of human civilization, technology, progress, blah blah blah and we’re still just caught up in getting the food, cooking the food, having kids, getting the food for the kids, cooking the food for the kids...and, that's fine, but it's not really "extreme" or "cinnamon blast," if you get my drift.
Toothpaste and deodorants speaking to the wildness within us, the need for more... the heroes who twitch for struggle, for meaning... we're buying things with names like “Extreme” or “Dark Temptation” attached to them only proving that a bunch of suits in some office building have successfully deluded us into thinking that there's adventure in the mundane.
It’s toothpaste, people.
Toothpaste.
Marketing.
I went to buy toothpaste the other day.
Toothpaste.
Toothpaste, people.
“A bold BLAST of cinnamon!”
“Revolutionary Whitening!”
I guess the fight against plaque is all we have left since we live in a fully functioning democracy free of monarchical tyranny.
Brushing your teeth?
No, my friend, you are combating plaque, annihilating tooth decay, struggling for whiteness. (Heh.)
Then, there’s antiperspirants with scents called “Phoenix,” “Dark Temptation,” and “Essence.”
Did I miss something?
You aren’t just a guy putting on some deodorant after the gym! Oh, no, you are Odysseus himself swerving through the wine red sea being lured by water nymphs... or whatever it was that lured him... into mysterious adventures and dangers. Are the men buying these scents running off to steal a golden fleece or slay a hydra?
And people buy this stuff. They eat it up. Or they brush their teeth with it, anyway.
Simply fascinating.
I’m thinking it’s because most people lack any real adventure in their lives. We go through life just sort of... surviving.
Thousands of years of human civilization, technology, progress, blah blah blah and we’re still just caught up in getting the food, cooking the food, having kids, getting the food for the kids, cooking the food for the kids...and, that's fine, but it's not really "extreme" or "cinnamon blast," if you get my drift.
Toothpaste and deodorants speaking to the wildness within us, the need for more... the heroes who twitch for struggle, for meaning... we're buying things with names like “Extreme” or “Dark Temptation” attached to them only proving that a bunch of suits in some office building have successfully deluded us into thinking that there's adventure in the mundane.
It’s toothpaste, people.
Toothpaste.
Reader Comments (56)
My deodorant's scent is called "regular", but I once dabbled in floo-fooier versions like Phoenix or Essence. Didn't make me feel like Odysseus (being lured by Sirens - bird maidens not water nymphs) or Jason (the one who was adventuring for the Golden Fleece) in the least.
But I did develop a rash. That's kinda exciting. Right?
And that's why my motto in my 20s was, "You're not really living unless it's on the edge." Because we need that rush in some way or another.
Oh and my deodorant scent? Powder fresh. Because the smell of innocence helps to distract the unwitting.
I saw an English lesson that had students go to department stores and look at all the perfume names, then get an automobile catalogue and find a bunch of car names. They then had to consider all the connotations of the words attached (Obsession, Ram, Trailblazer, etc.) and theorize why the products were given the names they were.
Pretty cool lesson.
@B.E. Earl, Rashes are totally exciting!! And yeah, I wasn't sure what a Siren was exactly, I did know that it was Jason that stole the fleece and I believe it was Hercules that battled a hydra? I just the read Percy Jackson series, so that's why I alluded to the Greeks in the first place. :) On another note, per your recommendation I just started watching Battlestar Galactica on DVD --- AWESOMENESS! Thanks for that. I haven't really been this into anything since... well, Angel. Sad, I know.
@Kailyn, Hahaha... powder fresh... love it.
Ha! Funny. I read an article a couple of weeks ago about a man in India suing the makers of Axe deodorant spray. Because the commercials show girls chasing the wearers of this spray, he thought if he used it he could get a girl. Apparently, he's been using it for 3 years and still hasn't gotten himself a girl. Grounds for a law suit? These companies better be careful. :)
Toothpaste can be fun, too. My toothbrush sings Star Wars music to me as I brush. Seriously.
T's deoderant says 'dark chocolate essence', I swear it's just ignorant. What I thought was more ignorant, was when they changed the bottle and forced my 12 year old to pay attention to their damn type copy. That was truly crazy, I had to send him back twice!
The first time I saw a commercial for lemon toothpaste, I lost it laughing. Then I said, "Well, lemon CAN be refreshing, so okay, I get it. But I'm happy with my mint, thanks."
I wasn't even aware that there was a cinnamon flavor. I mean, I thought the whole point of brushing my teeth was to get rid of the cinnamon breath after eating a bunch of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls, right? What's next, garlic toothpaste?
Wait -- that's brilliant! Let's market it ourselves! We'll tell them they'll be truly living dangerously by brushing with garlic gel.
"I guess the fight against plaque is all we have left since we live in a fully functioning democracy free of monarchical tyranny."
This sentence is one of the main reasons I love you.
Anyway, I am too fascinated by the way marketing people will make the drones believe that they absolutely have to have the newest and "most improved" thing just because they use great adjectives. What stinks is that the more adjectives they use, the more we have to pay for something that costs 23 cents to make (now with free Chinese labor!).
Of course, I'm just bitter because I want them to bring back the ORIGINAL Herbal Essence Shampoo with it's awesome smell.
@Faiqa, A bunch of modern versions of sirens have them as water nymphs or mermaids or the like. I guess because they lured sailors. But they were originally supposed to be part bird, part woman. The bird part because they could "sing" so well. Neat, huh?
Anywho...ready for the blasphemy? I loved Battlestar Galactica way more than Angel. I know, I know...
Ha! Totally true.
I do love my Aveda Chakra lotion, though. Mmmmm... that shizz is good.
My daughter's latest obsession when she's watching tv with me (i.e. football or some other sport, not kiddie shows) is, "What are they trying to sell?" when watching the commercials. I've already been asked:
"Why are they showing us the ice skates so much when they want you to buy that necklace?"
"What do those birds have to do with that tv?"
"How come they never show the lady putting on the perfume if that's what the commercial is for?"
Or perhaps the copywriters get bored and are trying to see what kind of crazy shit they can get away with.
Tell me that you watch Mad Men.
If you don't, you should.
Oh holy shit can someone shut Earl up what with his expounding on how geeky his literary background is?
We ALL read the Oddessy in high school... move on!
I must say that I use Crest because my parents used it. It's what I'm used to. And as far as deoderant goes, clinical protection any brand because I sweat like a pig.
I pretty much ignore all that marketing BS.
I call my deo fragrance-- Eau De Doode! My plan is to first market the hell out of it (in person) to the likes of Hilly/Karen and then BAM!!! Next thing you know, they will be convincing my target consumers to BUY BUY BUY.
Just yesterday I was thinking we (men) have too many choices when it comes to deodorant. I was trying to buy some at Target (and was eventually successful) but couldn't remember what I used. Not that I care about brand -- I mostly want something I'm not allergic to.
When I was in my 20's I used something that caused a rash. It hasn't happened again, in the 20-or-so years that have passed, but I always worry I'll buy whatever it was I picked up then. So I stand in the aisle -- looking at the thousands of choices -- and fret. I don't want to smell like a Gladiator, or a Sailor... well, I don't mind if I smell like a Gladiator, or a Sailor, or even slightly effeminate, so long as I can do so without having a rash troubling me.
Oh, I got Speed Stick. Regular scent. The dual pack. (So, if I'm allergic to it, I'll have twice as much to work through.)
@Avitable, Not. At all. Surprised.
Heh. My HUSBAND uses Secret. Pondering on what that says.
Me...I go into a rant about the checmicals in that crap!!! (You know me!)
@B.E. Earl, Honestly, I'm hoping to join you in your blasphemy... it's high time I moved on.
@Shane, Wow, that does sound cool. Also, for some reason, you just prompted me to laugh about why there aren't perfumes/colognes called "Punctual" and "Organized", as well.
@Kimberly, Hehehe... leave it to an Indian guy.
@Avitable, My God, man, are there no limits to your geekiness?!!
@Becca, I don't even want to think about the fact that a person came up with the name "Dark Chocolate Essence." Just crazy.
@Elizabeth Kaylene, And it repels vampires, too! (We'd obviously lose the Twilight fan base).
@Hilly, Ahaaa, is that what happened with Herbal Essences? I used to use that a long time ago, and then, all of a sudden I didn't like it anymore. This explains a lot.
@Sybil Law, I love Aveda. They're allowed.
@SciFi Dad, Hahahaha! That's awesome. I do that with pharmaceutical ads. What does knitting or riding horses have to do with not being depressed?!
@Finn, I feel like maybe your comment is an insider's story? ;)
@Miss Britt, I don't. I should.
@Slyde, Hahahahaha... you know what's even funnier? When I wrote that line, I thought, "Great, some *****bag is going to correct me about the sirens and not know that I know that Jason stole the Golden fleece..." I thought it was going to be Adam. Earl is full of surprises.
@Coal Miner's Granddaughter, I switch between Crest and Colgate. I'm a rebel like that.
@tariq, Hehehe... I'd buy a million gallons of that stuff. Eau De Doode is my favorite.
@delmer, Oh, I have that problem with Fabric Softener. I just stopped using it. Static cling is on the verge of ruining my life as a result. I use this dye free deodorant from Arm and Hammer that's supposed to be hypoallergenic? Maybe if it doesn't work out with Speed Stick, you can give it a try.
@Nanna, Don't tell me you use those rock crystals for deodorant. I saw that in the health store a few years ago, but felt too freakish to actually go to the register and buy them.
@Faiqa, definitely worth it then, in my book.
@Faiqa, Oh! I wondered that, too, and then suddenly I forgot. Oh no, they have our MINDS!
@Avitable, I snorted. For real.
@tariq, I would be one of those annoying women that spray Eau De Doode all over you when you walk by! That's a super product I can believe in....man.
You are too funny. I feel the same way about all that junk.
J.
Argh I cannot stand anything with cinnamon or baking soda in them especially toothpastes.
"You aren’t just a guy putting on some deodorant after the gym! Oh, no, you are Odysseus himself swerving through the wine red sea being lured by water nymphs"
Now I want to try that deodorant though!
My deodorant's scent is called 'Fresh touch' which conjures up all sorts of gross images of people sticking their fingers into freshly deodorised armpits. Think I might have to change brands.
@HoosierGirl, :)
@Mik, Axe. Apparently, it also makes you freakishly attractive to women.
@Selma, I think "Fresh Scent" is probably the least of the offenders I have in mind.
@Faiqa, Whenever I wear Axe I always get comments by women on good I smell!
u better blog on how awesome the saints are...soon...real soon
@z, Yeah. As if.