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I'm. Not.  Fine.

I'd like to say that one of the reasons that I haven't been updating my blog in the past two weeks is due to the fact that I'm tired and not feeling well.

Not true, though.  I think the lack of posting stems from the fact that up until roughly ten minutes ago, I've firmly believed that if I can't say anything nice, I shouldn't say anything at all.

Nobody wants to hear about my problems.

The world is so full of negativity that nobody really needs me to add my two cents.

If you can't bring happiness to the conversation, don't bring anything.

Nobody likes a negative Nancy.

What a load of steaming crap.

I've been such a disbeliever in complaining that for the past two weeks I have spoken fifty percent less than normal.  Because for two weeks, dare I say my whole life, I've thought, "Nobody wants to hear about how much I hate everything right now."

You know that show Desperate Housewives? I only watched it for the first season.  Towards the end, I remember a scene where Bree, the neurotic OCD Donna Reed on steroids character, finds out her husband is leaving her.  She looks at her husband with a serene expression and then turns to walk into the bathroom.  She closes the door and starts to cry.  Then, she slaps herself, turns to the mirror and begins to practice smiling.

Smiling until the fake happiness looks real.

Smiling until her face is a perfect mask of pleasantness.

I realize that, in a lot of ways, I've become that woman.  And it makes me feel like throwing up.

Well, OK, everything makes me feel like throwing up these days, but this more than most.

Friends and family have called and asked me for the past two weeks, "How are you?"

"Fine.  I'm great."

What?  No, I'm not.  Why did I just say that?  I'm not fine.  I feel like vomiting every time I breathe.  I'm depressed because I can't get off the couch and my daughter is so accustomed to this that she has started asking me if I'm feeling better every single morning.

My three year old feels sorry for me.  I cannot begin to elaborate on how much this depresses me.

Plus I can't sleep at night because I'm anxious and scared.

About money.

About my daughter starting school.

About bringing another child into a messed up world that seems to offer more pain than solace.

About the possibility that I will never be happy with who I am.

About how messed up I might be for having these feelings in the first place.

And, then, we went to St. Augustine yesterday and I tripped on a stupid cobblestone and fell.  I've sprained my foot which means I get to lay around doing nothing for four days.  And while that may seem like a panacea to some, I can't think of anything more disagreeable.

There is nothing worse to me than feeling useless.

Oh, except for feeling pitiful.

So, now, I'm pregnant, nauseated, with a sprained foot, useless and pitiful.  Plus I hate everything.

And I am not comfortable being this person.

I'm a happy person.  I smile.

Even when I feel like crawling into my bed and not coming out for nine months.  Or more.

I wonder if this is (insert your explanation for the universe here)'s way of teaching me something about myself as well as helping me become someone else.

It might just be OK not to smile, not to have to be nice, not to feel compelled into pleasantry or kindness every freaking waking moment of every single day to every single person whether they deserve it or not.

Maybe it's okay not to smile every once in a while, too.

Reader Comments (32)

Of course it's ok not to be Miss Cheerful all the time. People come to this blog because they want to get to know you, not just the happy you that you want to project.
Anyways I hope you start to feel better soon! I'm sure everyone is missing you.

January 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

You're not alone. Please know that. We're all out here feeling the same thing at some point.

Don't feel like you have to live up to any expectation other than giving your daughter and yourself the best you can.

I'm telling myself this while I say it to you.

Don't forget, you're also turning a year older next week, too.

Heh. I just had to add that. Seriously, though? Love and hugs. Do you want to come over and lay on my couch and bring your daughter and have a Buffy marathon? I'm totally up for it.

January 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAvitable

Wow. Adam bringing the pain and then offering the sweet Buffy relief. I'm impressed.

January 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterB.E. Earl

First of all, I hope that perhaps getting your thoughts down "on paper" was cathartic in some way for you. It always helps me to just get all of my thoughts out there "into the universe".

Secondly, please know that you do not have to be "Bree" have lots of people here who come to read about YOU, and that means the good, the bad, and the ugly! :) Always remember that we do care and you have folks who are cheering you on.

I hope that knowing that will help make the suckage just a little easier to bear.

Sending virtual hugs your way.

January 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGinger

fuck yeah, you don't have to be happy and "perfect" all the time. especially not here. faiqa, it is not natural to be happy all the time.

perhaps it is because i will never do it, but i give pregnant women SO much leeway and credit. your body is doing amazing things. you are creating and nurturing life...that is exhausting and gives you every damn reason to lay on the couch if you feel like it. you are working on a miracle, my friend. now sit back and rest.

p.s. worry is a useless emotion. it resolves nothing. only thing it is good for is ulcers. please do your best not to stress over the things you cannot change.

love to you.

January 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterhello haha narf

I never had that sense of responsibility to be Mr. Happy Happy Joy Joy. So while I can't necessarily speak on that, I honestly think that if I had it, I would be in a mental institution right now. So yeah, no reason to be happy happy joy joy especially when you aren't.

As for the worrying... I can speak on that... and while it sounds corny I've learned not to sweat the small stuff. It's all small stuff. Life's a roller coaster that you're more likely to get hurt on by sitting rigidly worrying about the next hill as opposed to just loosely going with the G-Forces.

As for the nausea... well... yeah... that sucks. Pickles and ice cream maybe?

January 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNYCWD

"Plus I can’t sleep at night because I’m anxious and scared.

About money.

About my daughter starting school.

About bringing another child into a messed up world that seems to offer more pain than solace."

Dear, I know the feeling. All too well. Having 6 kids total, I wonder/worry (depending on the quality of day) about stuff like this every day.

I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times - all we can do is all we can do (wonder if that'll work in a Comment box). As long as we do everything we can for our children to bring them up right and let them know that they'll always have a home and someone to count on, then we have done our absolute best and prepared that child to enter the world on their own to the best of our power.

As humans, we can do no more than that - that's the bad news. Good news is, it's awfully effective in raising kids that know right from wrong, that can go out and make their own mark, AND that know they have someone to turn to when they need a little backup.

"It might just be OK not to smile, not to have to be nice, not to feel compelled into pleasantry or kindness every freaking waking moment of every single day to every single person whether they deserve it or not."

There's no "might" to it - you're entitled to that as well.

Pardon my French (is it really? I don't remember Mrs. Oakley teaching this word), but there are days when I can - and am - an absolute bastard. Because something's bothering me. Because I don't feel like keeping up the facade. Because I can't and don't want to deal with idiot people and their idiot ways of behaving and treating each other.

As a person, you have this right, too. Just as much as you have the right to be blue and let those feelings out as well. You say, "Nobody wants to hear about my problems." I say, "Who the hell cares? You have the right to throw them out there just like everyone else does when you're feeling down, so let 'em fly." Glad to see you did, and I hope it helped.


January 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMichael Melchor

I've never thought I had to be happy all the time so I can't, honestly, truly relate to that. I CAN tell you that people who are happy all the time kind of creep me out and I find it hard to get close to them, because I'm thinking there's no fucking WAY that's really the case.

Life is not happy all the time. It's just not.

That being said - I'm sorry that you're not happy right now. :-( It might be "life", but it still sounds beyond shitty at the moment.

January 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMiss Britt

When I was pregnant and had the energy and mood of wet cheesecloth, my obstetrician told me that the human body never works harder than it does in the first trimester of pregnancy. EVERYTHING is being used to physically create another human body, and it saps your lifeforce in a way nothing else can. Not to mention that your hormones are all over the board. A miracle indeed, but it damn sure doesn't feel like one. When I imagine bubonic plague, I reckon it feels similar to those first three months.

Thank all that's holy that it usually improves radically in the 4th month. For right now, all you can do is give your body the coddling it deserves for the work it's doing, and let the world pamper you. Good wishes to you!

January 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSJ

Welcome to the entire duration of both of my pregnancies. I call it progesterone poisoning. One of several reasons I only have one child (first time I had a misacarriage - in case that made no damn sense).

I grew up believing that "no one wants to hear your shit," but somewhere along the way realized that the people you love do. And sharing the burden with someone else makes it lighter.


January 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFinn

I'm here from Sybil's, and just wanted to say BEEN THERE. Writing about it, talking about it is good, as long as it doesn't become your whole story. It did for me for a little while. I didn't know who I was if I wasn't some depressed fat stay at home mom. But it was part of my story and writing about it helped me sort it all out. Hang in there! There is another side.

January 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJen - Queen of Poo

@Sarah: Thanks, I'm trying to keep that in mind.

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]: We can keep reminding each other, thanks for reminding me today.

@Avitable: That sounds like a lot of fun. I may take you up on that.

@B.E. Earl: He's got layers.

@Ginger: It did make me feel better to put it out there. And your hugs mean a lot, thank you.

@hello haha narf: I think I'm going to get a T-shirt made now: "Working on A Miracle. Now Leave Me the Hell Alone."

@ NYCWD: Not corny. It's true. It is all small stuff and I can't do a thing to change it, so might as well chill. BTW, you're not in Florida are you? Tariq and I saw this walking into Walgreens last night that looked EXACTLY like you. EXACTLY.

@Michael Melchor: Thanks for that... you made some excellent points.

@Miss Britt: It's true, people who are happy all the time are creepy. I think for me, it's a matter of trust. I don't feel like I can be unhappy in front of people I don't trust and I don't easily trust most people. Present company excluded.

@SJ: I just feel like my body is not mine anymore... I hate that feeling.

@Finn: I think all the blog reading that I do has taught me that it's alright to express yourself negatively as well. It's liberating and I have to say that it did make me feel more loved to read these comments.

January 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFaiqa

I don't know if you've ever noticed this or not but, um, my blog is all about the bitchbitchbitch, naaaggg, moan groan & complain. And people love me. Seriously - they really do. [Not many but we won't focus on that for right now.]

So - take a cab to Adams and HE can babysit and hold the puke bowl while you watch Buffy and eat all of his snacks. AND you know he'll have tons of gum to freshen your breath after your puke sessions.

My son was the same way when I was pregnant with Little Miss. He'd ask me every day if I felt any better, if we could go outside and play when I felt better, etc. He would come in and rub my back while I puked and would fill my water glass so I could rinse my mouth. He didn't even complain when we had to leave the restaurants right after ordering because I couldn't stop throwing up. Kids are more resilient and understanding than adults give them credit for. Your daughter does not feel neglected and she will not be scarred for life - I promise.

[Because if any child should be scarred by their mother's pregnancy, it'd be my kid. He knew - just by the look on my face - how quickly we had to run to our door after getting out of the car....and apologized for not running fast enough when we didn't make it. He didn't have a hot meal, unless he ate at my mother's or he went out with my husband to eat and left me at home, my entire pregnancy. Seriously.]

Oh! And these are for you : xoxoxoxo

@Jen: You hit it right on the head, actually. I'm terrified that it'll become my whole story so I generally keep my mouth shut.

January 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFaiqa

@Sheila: We do love you, it's true. Because, really? Nobody bitches quite as nicely as you do.

January 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFaiqa

I so understand this and find myself doing it from time to time. It's okay to 'be the bitch' sometimes---I think it's good to vent and say 'wow--I feel like crap just now'.

Just don't make a habit of it*grin*

Have you tried ginger tea for your nausea?

January 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTurnbaby

Reading this brought tears to my eyes both for you and also because I know exactly how you feel. The tapes in my head keep spinning and spinning and I feel like I'm sitting still on the outside even though my head is running around trying to find peace and some sort of answer to an elusive question.

Yet, I often just say I am fine so I can live in that head. Even worse, I avoid all human contact so no one asks.

What I am saying is that you are so not alone in this. I've slowly but surely learned to reach out and say how I really feel but it's not easy when you are used to acting like a puppet for the audience and dancing your ass off.

January 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHilly

You keep on venting in here. We will still visit your blog. Life has its ups and downs. And when your little girl asks, just tell her the truth, I feel sad right now. She needs to know that even us Moms and Dads have those bad moments. You hurting your ankle was probably just a sign that you should relax and read to your girl and color with her and watch tv with her. Just be mellow, and chill with her. This is probably what you need because once that baby comes, sister, you won't have this kind of time again. Tell her stories of when she was in your tummy. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I use to get nose bleeds, and there was my poor son, he had to witness it all.(sigh).

January 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterADRealty

"It might just be OK not to smile, not to have to be nice, not to feel compelled into pleasantry or kindness every freaking waking moment of every single day to every single person whether they deserve it or not.

Maybe it’s okay not to smile every once in a while, too."
thanks for that. i've been going through a bit of a slump myself, and reading that last part made me feel not-so-bad about it.

January 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterstef

@Turnbaby: Ginger tea works really well. I keep forgetting to buy it at the grocery store, though.

@Hilly: *Exactly.* Your blog has actually contributed a lot to the courage it took for me tow write this post in the first place. ::heartbeat::

@ADRealty: It's good to know you'll be here to listen/read. It means a lot and makes me feel loads better.

@stef: ::hugs:: We're going to be OK. Just maybe not right this minute? And that's OK, too.

January 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFaiqa

I feel for you, hon. I feel like I'm smiling most of the time just so that people don't have to listen to my "Same Shit, Different Day" crap.

But, I think it's good to say, "No, I'm not fine/good/happy today." and if people ask why, either tell them why or don't. They don't have to know, but you don't have to fake them out, either. I'm learning how to be honest, too. :)

You'll make it, hon.

First off: not a SAHM, never been pregnant, blah, blah, blah.

However, I know EXACTLY what you mean. I am Jack's Muscle Knot of Stress, even after two weeks off from work. The world sucks right now; yes there is good, yes there are happy things, but from where I am looking the world (not my world, just the part outside of it) sucks.

Also? We are more alike than I realized. I can think of nothing worse than being pitied and/or needing help.

I hope you find a way to cope, and in the interim, talk about whatever is on your mind here. That's what it's here for.

January 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSciFi Dad

@Coal Miner's Granddaughter: I've realized that all important learning is painful. I'm learning a lot these days. It's a good thing (Note to self: repeat ad infinitum until you feel less homicidal).

@SciFi Dad: You'v never been pregnant? Really? I find that shocking. Anyway, I'm glad I did cope by expressing myself at least on the blog. I feel a helluva lot better.

January 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFaiqa

There's really nothing that I can add that would be different or profound than any other comment.

Its ok to not be ok. Its ok to feel like crap. My daughter was 9 when I got pregnant with Seth. And my first trimester was over the summer. She wanted to play outside and I was too busy laying on the bathroom floor.

Thankfully, I didn't have to pretend to be ok. I let everyone know how miserable I felt. And I didn't feel the least bit guilty about that, either.

Either way...I'm sending you hugs and good thoughts that your "tomorrow" will be better and less sickly!

January 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBecky

@Becky Thanks ::heartbeat::

January 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFaiqa

You're more than welcome. Anytime.

And I also agree with Miss Britt. People that are happy all the time are weird. Like, Stepford-weird.

(And I see that HTML tags do work in a comment box! Neat.)


January 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMichael Melchor

you have been on my mind a lot since this post. praying for lots of good things and plenty of peace...for us both!

January 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterhello haha narf

I bet you feel all fat and stuff too.



January 7, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterwhall

not that I know you all the well, but alas, you get to read my 2 cents: from what I gathered, you are growing a baby, no?

Okay, then it is perfectly acceptable to be all discontent and ugh. YOU are growing a HUMAN. That really is amazing. AMAZING. You are producing a brain and a heart and functioning kidneys. Your body must compensate somewhere, right?

January 10, 2009 | Unregistered Commentertraci

Hi Faiqa
My name is Robyn and I live in Australia. I've been reading your blog for a while and love your interesting perspective on life :)
You know you're totally allowed to moan and complain when you feel down... nobody is happy all of the time - it's just not natural. And writing down your feelings can be really cathartic.
I hope the progesterone poisoning gives you a break soon... I had it really bad when I was pregnant with my son (from wks 7-29!) and cut yourself some slack... your hormones are all over the place.
I hope you're feeling better (I know this post was a while back but I'm catching up on missed entries over the holidays)
PS - I'd do anything to be pregnant right now... my son was conceived on IVF and I spent 4.5yrs trying for a second child but have had 5 miscarriages. I only mention it because... no matter how crap pregnancy is babies are so precious :)

January 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterborysSNORC ™

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