Thursday
Jan152009
Finding Johnny Castle
Thursday, January 15, 2009 at 09:37PM
The problem with sometimes being perceived as a confident or strong person is that people, even those closest to me, will assume that they don’t need to stick up for me.
And they don’t. I don’t need anyone to defend me.
I can take care of myself, thank you very much. I have no problem letting someone know when I feel like I’m being mistreated. And if I don’t say it out loud, my face always betrays me. Or my voice.
So, I don’t need anyone else to tell the people who place unrealistically high demands on me to back off. I don’t need help in order to tell someone that they’re hurting my feelings or making me want to strangle them. I can do that myself. I’m good at sticking up for myself.
I don’t need it.
But, I want it.
I would like to see someone get mad because they don’t like the way I’m being treated. Or when they see that completely unrealistic demands are being placed on me. Or that someone else is acting with a complete disregard for me or my feelings.
I would like to be able to say, “Calm down. It’s OK, it’s not a big deal. You don’t have to say anything.”
And for someone to say in a voice, preferably trembling with anger and resolve, “No, it’s a big deal to me when you're treated this way.”
I do that for other people. It doesn’t mean that I don’t think that the people I love can’t take care of themselves. It means that when I see someone I love feeling disrespected or hurt, I hurt with them.
A perceived wrong to someone who lives in my heart, is a wrong to me.
In fact, it hurts worse. And I can’t help but say something or do something.
Remember that scene in Dirty Dancing? When Patrick Swayze walks up to Jerry Orbach and says, “Nobody puts Baby in a corner”?
Yeah. I want that.
And they don’t. I don’t need anyone to defend me.
I can take care of myself, thank you very much. I have no problem letting someone know when I feel like I’m being mistreated. And if I don’t say it out loud, my face always betrays me. Or my voice.
So, I don’t need anyone else to tell the people who place unrealistically high demands on me to back off. I don’t need help in order to tell someone that they’re hurting my feelings or making me want to strangle them. I can do that myself. I’m good at sticking up for myself.
I don’t need it.
But, I want it.
I would like to see someone get mad because they don’t like the way I’m being treated. Or when they see that completely unrealistic demands are being placed on me. Or that someone else is acting with a complete disregard for me or my feelings.
I would like to be able to say, “Calm down. It’s OK, it’s not a big deal. You don’t have to say anything.”
And for someone to say in a voice, preferably trembling with anger and resolve, “No, it’s a big deal to me when you're treated this way.”
I do that for other people. It doesn’t mean that I don’t think that the people I love can’t take care of themselves. It means that when I see someone I love feeling disrespected or hurt, I hurt with them.
A perceived wrong to someone who lives in my heart, is a wrong to me.
In fact, it hurts worse. And I can’t help but say something or do something.
Remember that scene in Dirty Dancing? When Patrick Swayze walks up to Jerry Orbach and says, “Nobody puts Baby in a corner”?
Yeah. I want that.
tagged friendship, marriage
friendship, marriage
Reader Comments (45)
Oh yes, I am right there with you!
As a strong woman myself, I often feel like I just want some sort of knight in shining armor to come up and defend my honor. I know I shouldn't feel this way but every now and then, when one of my bloggy buddies sticks up for me against the evil of the Wide Wide World of Web? I secretly like it. I'd never ask them to do it but still...I like it.
Because, as you said, I do it all of the time...I'm like this loyal little protector too.
I'm a total pushover myself. I don't stand up for myself when people push me around or treat me badly. I just shrug it off and deal with it.
But my friends are another story. No one is allowed to mess with them. Not at all.
I completely understand you. Why is it that when you show strength, no one thinks that you want them in your corner?
I don't think this is a gender-specific thing either. Everyone wants that.
It's good to know that there are those people who will get your back. ALWAYS...anytime...for any reason.
Totally feel you on this one.
I know what you mean, even though you dont need it, its nice to know that someone is there for you.
PS - I may be a bit late but congrats on the new domain! :)
I guess in gaining womens' rights we also lost a lot, like chivalry. that said, I'd be perfectly happy for a woman to stand up for me too - they can be a helluva lot fiercer when they want to be.
I hear you.
I, however, have to work on being my own Johnny Castle before I can really expect to have someone be Johnny for me...
oh the fuck no. who has wronged you? i'll be down there on the 22nd and will certainly lay the smack down wherever it needs to go. i have a huge can of whup ass and will open it for you!
I was talking with a good friend about this yesterday. Wanting the support certainly doesn't make you less of a strong individual. And it's a wonderful feeling when people stick up for you.
Example: After TequilaCon '08 there was a mention of me on someone else's blog which was misinterpreted as a slight against me. (All has long since been cleared up.) But the number of people who came to my defense simply wowed me. It was a really nice feeling to know that so many had my back.
Where it might get a bit dangerous is if you get to a point where you need that validation all the time or are not able to function. If I can't vacuum the stairs without an entourage of cheerleaders, then there might be something wrong I will need to deal with. :)
@Hilly: Yep. Exactly.
@Sarah: Loyalty to your friends is a very important quality.
@Kailyn: I know, it's as if the very reason they respect you might be the very reason they don't *show* you the respect you want...?
@B.E. Earl: Oh, yeah, definitely. I was using the Johnny Castle metaphor in purely non-gender specific parameters.
@Anissa@hope4peyton: It is.
@Robin:Don't we always seem to be on the same page with these things?
@Mjuboy: Thanks! It's good to *see* you!
@Vic: You might be right. I think instead of women losing a right to chivalry, men should've gained a right to it. That's the real essence of the woman's movement, anyway... equality.
@suze: That's very insightful... yeah, nobody will fight for us like we fight for ourselves. That's my experience, anyway.
@hello haha narf: ::pph:: I love you.
@shiny: But. Nobody vacuums as good as *I* do.
@faiqa Really? I've heard that when you vacuum you really suck at it...
Giggle. Very clever.
God, I so relate to this. It's the same way with the "help" thing. I very rarely ever get help from others, even if I ask for (it's often so slow in coming that it's rendered useless).
Being competent and independent is wonderful, but it can be so exhausting at times. Once in a while it would be nice to be defended, to be taken care of. It makes you feel like you matter, like your feelings matter.
So when I called you an ignorant moron last night*, I should've kicked my own ass, right?
Don't worry - I totally did that already. See? I care.
Anytime you feel the need for someone's ass to be kicked, give me a holler, I'll come running with my fists of fury to avenge you.
::hugs::
*I feel the need to explain that I did NOT, in fact, call Faiqa an ignorant moron.
And for someone to say in a voice, preferably trembling with anger and resolve, “No, it’s a big deal to me when you’re treated this way.”
I do that. A LOT.
I liked this post. You answered my question about your name in an e-mail. I intentionally left a remark out in my e-mail response to you because I wanted to post in here. So, here it goes. Your name, with first and last name put together sounds strong, like don't fuck with me kind of name. Sorry for the bad word. I hope I don't offend anyone. But, I know how you feel about wanting someone to stand up for you every once in a while. I have a teenage daughter, and sometimes I can be a sissy girl and if something goes wrong. I'll go home and explain the situation to my daughter and shed a tear or two. You should see that little fiery girl just want to kick ass to defend her mama. I love it!! and I love that girl!!
It's so hard to tell sometimes, though, whether or not someone will appreciate it when you defend them! I still would rather err on the side of defending them, though.
I am totally diggin' the Dirty Dancing reference and although agree with you completely would be happy just reinacting the scene towards the beginning with the watermelon! So much fun! I need to rent Dirty Dancing!
@Finn:"It makes you feel like you matter, like your feelings matter." Mmmhmm.
@Sheila (Charm School Reject): LMAO at you.
@SciFi Dad: Good.
@ADRealty: That's really sweet. And you don't have to say sorry for using bad words... I don't think anyone around here will get offended.
@Avitable: Me, too.
@Stef:I'm racking my brains for the "watermelon scene" an can't come up with anything... I guess I have to rent it, too.
"@Stef:I’m racking my brains for the “watermelon scene” an can’t come up with anything… I guess I have to rent it, too."
I don't think I have ever been as disappointed in someone as I am right now, Faiqa. C'mon?! "I carried a watermelon?" The first time we see Baby's insane lack of sexuality and rhythm on the dance floor? Geesh. ::hangin' my head::
ARE YOU CALLING ME A MORON AGAIN??!! LMAO.
P.S. I remember that scene, now. Thanks.
Alhtough I am in agreement that everyone needs that protective body that defends you against the evils of the world, there are times when what's considered "unfair treatment" is not that cut and dry. Take for instance, that time when Sheila called you an ignorant moron...I would classify that as an ass kicking scenario (kidding Sheila...I know you didn't call her that).
oops...my response cut off for some reason? Anyway, the other not-so-clear example would be when our parents say something "unfair" to us just because they are our parents and that's their job. Is it really worth winning that battle by yelling and screaming, when you can win the war by respectfully disagreeing?
@Tariq: ::Eye roll: Whatever, "first son."
@Faiqa Maybe I am, maybe I am not. Just know that I would certainly kick my ass if this were the case.
@Tariq LMAO!
@Tariq....too funny!
I totally stink at being able to defend myself. I get so caught up in the emotions of it all, that I can't think of a thing to say. 5 hours later, I will have the perfect comeback. I would love to have somebody back me up.
However, if someone messes with one of my friends, I will back them up, and not have an ounce of trouble with it.
@Becky: I *need* to have that ability to delay my response -- it would get me in a lot less trouble. :)
I'm all for chivalry and practice it often, but I get miffed when people get miffed at it. They take offense at my offer to help. Sometimes I'm met with "what, you think I can't do that by myself?!?!?!" which just plain sucks. A simple "I can handle it, thanx" would do nicely.
@whall People that are actually offended by an offer of help *do* baffle me. I can understand, "No thanks I'm fine," but yeah, the first reaction you described just exhibits a lack of graciousness. IMO.
I know exactly what you mean!!! I feel the same way, minus that baby in the corner bit. (Haha!)
NO ONE puts Faiqa in the corner.
Better?!
Seriously - I'll put the smack down on someone for you. Let me know.
I feel the same way, only I'm not so good with the sticking up for myself. I'm better at sticking up for those around me.
Funny that you should mention that line from Dirty Dancing, we were just laughing about the "realistic ending spoof" on Family Guy, when he says that and the father says something along the lines of "I do, when the guy is 38 and my daughter is 16" lmao :) it was funny...I wish I could find the clip on the net somewhere (if you haven't seen it and don't know what I'm talking about of course)
I'm the kind of person that is always ready to defend the honor of my loved ones . . . but if someone is unpleasant to me, I cry.
I am in 100% agreement with you, Faiqa. Now, having said that, I sure hope that this isn't in relation to last night or anything, or me or mine...cause, well, that would suck!
I agree! I am drawn to strength and I am strong. I've learned that in being strong I don't always have to be the one to prove it.
I like it that my friends are loyal enough to stand up for me even though I can take care of myself. I do it for them too. That's what makes us friends.
I was going to say that those things sound nice in theory - until you get yourself an Adam. And then? You'd rather NOT have someone defend you like that.
And then I read Tariq's comment...
And that's not even about being defended. It's about knowing that you are valued - that other people know you are valued, not that it's some little secret in your own house. It's about standing up for you in a situation where you really CAN'T stand up for yourself because it would be better coming from them. It's about no you are NOT crazy and yes that WAS rude and -
It's about...
Oh, honey, I could go on and on and on and ON about that exact same thing here.
Clearly. LOL
you and i are cut from the same cloth.
im currently going thru something at work, and while i dont need anyone comming to my defense, it really hurts that no one is...
I think you were writing from inside my head again. Mainly, I just want my husband to stick up for me when it comes to his family. Sometimes they can be demanding and downright mean.
"I want it."
I couldn't have summarized the sentiment better.
@Sybil Law: Much better. This is why you're MY blog wife.
@Sarcastica: Hi, my name is Faiqa. Also known as the only human on the planet that does not enjoy watching Family Guy. Let the horror stricken comments ensue.
@Stacey: Awww. Don't cry. People suck. ;)
@DeannaBanana: Well, now that you mention it, I was really offended by how pleasant and friendly you guys were. I hate it when people get like that. It makes me so mad.
@Turnbaby: Well said. Loyalty is def. an integral part of friendship.
@Miss Britt: Mmmhmmm.
@Slyde: Let me at 'em. NOBODY puts Slyde in a corner.
@Shelli: Yep. Exactly.
@Zahra: :)
@Tariq, since when does parenting justify unfairness?
I think the only time "parent unfairness" is justified is when it is used as a defense FOR their child; not as a defense AT their child.
Although I have my own adult children, and I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, I still WANT my mother to use all the "parent unfairness" in the world FOR my defense, (which typically comes in handy in those extended family gatherings).
Men have always been known for their chivalry. If they are treated well by women, they get treated better in return. If women want to be taken good care of by their men, they need to respect and treat their men with dignity.
@John, I completely agree. Still, you can't deny that men who are treated with diginty and respect will occasionally lose their way. To assume that every time a man acts inappropriately or insensitively towards his spouse that it somehow has to do with the way his spouse treats him is completely sexist and reeks of misogyny.